J'sDaughter

pink October..........

2010-10-19T20:35:00.000-06:00

Three years ago a mammogram saved my life. It found the start of cancer so I could stop it in its tracks. It's easy to remember to do your self-checks or mammograms in 'Pink October', but please remember them all year. You should also be aware that if women in your family have had breast or ovarian cancer, you could be genetically at risk. Know what you need to know, and do what you need to do- Knowledge is power..

Happy Birthday Mom...

2010-08-21T19:57:00.003-06:00

I spent today thinking of my mother. She loved birthdays, and made sure we all had big parties, with all of the family together. We did the same for her. Today passed without a party.. just flowers for her grave...

The world keeps changing, and the days keep passing.

There is still no early detection, or cure, for ovarian cancer.

I still believe our biggest hope is awareness.. We have to make sure that every woman knows the symptoms of this disease and what to do. We have to make sure that people continue to care and hope enough to find the answers...

Loreal continues to spread awareness and donate to research.
Kelly Ripa and Electrolux and Power Balance are committed to the same.

When I started writing this journal, there were very few companies that were involved with ovarian cancer awareness or research. If you look at the Ovarian Cancer Research Fund site, you will see that there are now many.

I will continue to write here and do my part.. As small as my part is- I can't forget what Mom said to me.. "If just one person is helped by what has happened to me, then everything will be okay.."

Happy Birthday Mom.. I miss you more than words can say.........

signatures from the past......

2010-07-12T09:47:00.003-06:00

I've been doing some cleaning..

I have two grown children who have left lots of 'stuff' at my house..
During my sorting and purging, I came across a box of 'stuff' of my own. Inside I found stacks of greeting cards I have saved over the years. Many of those were from my mother. She never missed a birthday or anniversary. It was so sweet to see her handwriting, and the "I love you's" she had written...

I also found some letters from a high school friend. She sent these when I lived just far enough away from our little town that it was a long-distance call. We didn't have computers for emailing or cell phones for texting.. The letters held nothing earth-shattering. They just gave information about what my friend was doing that day, and how quickly her children were growing.. I remember how comforting they were at the time. Even though we lived miles apart, we still had a connection to each other. They were so much fun to read again.

Letter writing has become a lost art. I remember how I anticipated the mail delivery each day. Today my mailbox seems so less personal- and not nearly as fun!

I will put my cards from mom in a safe place to look at yet another day... I'm so glad she sent them......

National Women's Health Week

2010-05-13T18:52:00.002-06:00

This is National Women's Health Week.
Please take the time to visit these links for tips on good health.
Our lives are so busy, we all tend to take our health for granted- sometimes until it's too late...
Take care of yourselves out there.....

http://www.womenshealth.gov/whw/

National Ovarian Cancer Coalition

Also- visit these great companies who are donating for research for Ovarian Cancer..

Loreal Color of Hope

Electrolux and Kelly Ripa

Mother's Day..

2010-05-05T13:14:00.003-06:00

Mother's Day is difficult for me. Even though I have beautiful children, and celebrate that I am a mother, I miss my Mom..

Another beautiful baby was born in March. A little girl with dark hair and sparkling eyes.. I think often how mom would have had so much fun with all these little babies..

I so hope that my beautiful granddaughters won't have to worry about ovarian cancer. I read of new breakthroughs often, but they're still "maybes". No cure.. No early detection..

Our only hope for now is to spread the word. Every woman needs to know the symptoms of this horrible cancer so we know how to act on it. Early detection is still the key to survival.

Please educated yourselves and others about ovarian cancer. Mom would've liked that.....

cakes for a cause..

2010-02-18T08:57:00.002-07:00

Kelly Ripa and Electrolux have teamed up to benefit The Ovarian Cancer Research Fund.

You can go to the Kelly Confidential site to register. (www.kelly-confidential.com/)

Join Kelly's Cake Off for a Cause

Vote for your favorite cake in Kelly's Cake Off. For every vote, Electrolux is donating $1 to the Ovarian Cancer Research Fund.*

You can get in on the "baking", too. When you send a virtual cake to a friend, Electrolux will donate another $1 to the cause.*

And each day you vote or send a cake, you'll be entered for a chance to win a new Induction Range. Electrolux is donating $100 to OCRF for every range purchased this month.**

You can also join on facebook at Kelly Confidential by Electrolux.
TLC’s Cake Boss star Buddy Valastro has also joined in to give tips on baking real cakes.

It's such a fun way to give for research.

Thank you to Kelly, and Electrolux!

bittersweet life.....

2010-02-15T17:46:00.002-07:00

A baby was born on February 12.
A beautiful girl with big dark eyes and lots of dark brown hair. Her middle name is the same as mine..
She is my fourth grandchild. It is hard to believe that my sweet daughter has two babies of her own now. It was one of those days that I wanted to pick up the phone and call Mom.. That doesn't happen often anymore- but it still happens.

Mother and baby are doing well.

On Valentine's day I received word that my only brother- Mom's oldest child- passed away unexpectedly... He was only 54.

I have so many regrets. So many things that I wish I could go back and change. He and I let time, space, and other people come between us. I can't tell you how many times I thought of him in the last two weeks- yet I didn't pick up the phone and call him. Oh how I wish I could turn back the clock...

Rest in peace my Brother...

Welcome to the world precious Grandaughter....

...and life goes on...

2009-11-21T16:22:00.002-07:00

On Thursday evening a beautiful little girl was born. She has lots of black hair and pretty green eyes. My sister is now a Grandma.

It is amazing how having a grandchild makes you feel. Now we know why Mom had so much fun spending time with (and shopping for!) her grandchildren!

I'm sad that Mom isn't here so the children can know her. But we will all tell them stories about their Great-Grandma, and she will never be forgotten.

I know Mom is smiling........

four years..

2009-10-31T01:19:00.005-06:00

It's hard to believe my Mom has been gone for four years.. I still miss her like it was yesterday.

So much has changed in 4 years. Grandchildren have gotten married, Great-Grandchildren have been born, and more are on the way.

The world is different. Illini Basketball hasn't been quite as good as it was the last year she cheered them on. I have a feeling she would've liked President Obama..

One thing that hasn't changed is there still is no cure, or early detection, for Ovarian Cancer. Please educate yourself and your loved ones about this disease and share your knowledge.

Hera Women's Cancer Foundation has a wonderful website with information about ovarian cancer. There are documents you can download or email to people you care about.

It is my hope that someday my grandchildren and great-grandchildren will wear ribbons in their hair and not on their shirts...

a late Mother's Day message.......

2009-05-11T21:21:00.003-06:00

I was looking at my referral list that shows who has visited this journal, and where they came from. It seems that a lot of people searching for Mother's Day messages found this. It's what I wrote last year on Mother's Day..

I think It's worth repeating.

I hope you all had a wonderful Mother's Day......

.....almost a year

2009-05-08T21:52:00.005-06:00

I can't believe it's been almost a year since I've written here.....

So much has happened.
So much is the same.

I still miss my Mom every single day.
And there still is no cure, or early detection for ovarian cancer.

I do have hope.
I have noticed more people are talking about ovarian cancer.
I also read about an early detection test a team at Yale has developed. If it works, it will- and should- become as routine as pap smears and mammograms.
You can read about it here- Yale OVCA test

I've taken a new job as a Home-care Nurse. Coincidentally with the same hospital that sent nurses to take care of Mom when she was a Hospice patient. I'm not a Hospice Nurse, but there have been times I've been asked to fill in for one , or taken care of a Hospice patient when I've been on call. It was more difficult than I imagined. It's even been difficult for me to be in the team room when hospice nurses are discussing their patients.

Mom told me she thought I would be a good Oncology or Hospice Nurse. I don't know that I'd ever be able to do it.

Of course as a Nurse I deal with tragedy every day.
Just last week one of my patients, who is doing very well recovering from orthopedic surgery, told me she was worried about her granddaughter. It turns out she was having surgery that day- for ovarian cancer.

Her granddaughter is only sixteen years old...

On the brighter side- 2008 was very good to me. I have two new grandchildren. That makes two boys and a girl now. They're all adorable- and I'm not just saying that because I'm their proud grandma! :)

It makes me sad that the little ones never met their Great-Grandma.
But I know Mom is smiling.......

another year..........

2008-06-19T20:10:00.003-06:00

I've talked about this here before, but I thought I'd share again_
I live in the house that I grew up in.
My father and my grandfather built the house on what used to be old farmland.
Mom and Dad could never get anything to grow. They finally got the grass to grow but never had any luck with trees.
However, one thing mom planted thrived.
It's still growing today-
-forty years later...........

My Mother's Day message....

2008-05-11T19:28:00.009-06:00

I have already spent most of this mother's day thinking of how much I miss my mom.
I have had some sad tears, but I've also remembered many happy memories I have of her. I guess on days like this, when you no longer have your mother, it is to be expected you will feel melancholy...

I have so much to be thankful for. I have three wonderful children, two beautiful grandchildren, and I spent forty-three years with the mother that I miss so much.

In honor of this mother's day, I want to remind everyone who reads here what my journal is about. I write about my life, and how different it is today because my mother died of ovarian cancer.
She wanted women to know about this disease so that maybe they will never have to go through what she did.

Every woman should know the symptoms of ovarian cancer. Very early there may be no symptoms at all, but if a woman has any of these symptoms for more than two weeks, she should consult a doctor.

* Pressure or pain in the abdomen, pelvis, back, or legs

* A swollen or bloated abdomen

* Nausea, indigestion, gas, constipation, or diarrhea

* Feeling very tired all the time

Less common symptoms include:

* Shortness of breath

* Feeling the need to urinate often

* Unusual vaginal bleeding (heavy periods, or bleeding after menopause)

The most important point I would like to make is if your doctor tells you nothing is wrong, and your symptoms persist, it is time to find a new doctor. You have to take control and insist that something be done to find answers.

You should also know the risk factors-

*Women with anyone in their family who has had ovarian cancer. The "powers that be" will tell you that you should only worry if it is a mother, daughter, or sister. My mother's first cousin died of ovca just a few years before mom did. It wasn't a coincidence.

*Women with a family history of breast cancer may also be at risk for ovarian cancer. If anyone in your family has had breast or ovarian cancer you may wish to talk to a genetic counselor. Genetic tests can sometimes show the presence of specific gene changes that increase the risk of ovarian cancer. A great deal of information about genetic risk of ovarian or breast cancer can be found on the website for FORCE. FORCE is a non-profit organization dedicated to educating women about their risks and options to deal with those.

* Personal history of cancer: Women who have had cancer of the breast, uterus, colon, or rectum have a higher risk of ovarian cancer.

If you have any risk factors for ovarian cancer, you should consult with your doctor and devise a plan to monitor your ovaries for any changes. This monitoring should be done often, and forever- not just once.

Please pass some of your knowledge along to the women you love. Knowledge is power.

It is my hope that maybe the information I put here will keep another daughter from celebrating Mother's Day without her mother because of ovarian cancer....

miracles...

2008-03-02T07:07:00.003-07:00

On February 29, 2008, a beautiful baby girl was born.
She weighed seven pounds, thirteen ounces and was 21 inches long.
She has big bright eyes and lots of dark hair.

Before she was a day old, I swear she smiled at me.
I am her Grandma.

My mother used to say that you should be joyful when someone passes away and cry when a baby is born, because the world is such a difficult place.
I cried many tears that day. Some were because I missed my mother, and wanted so much to share this day with her. Most were tears of joy, because I was so happy to meet this little girl.

Shortly after her birth my son announced that she was named after her Great-Grandma.

Mom would have liked that....

Welcome to the world sweetheart...........

I am thankful for....

2007-11-29T09:09:00.001-07:00

I have made it through another September.
September is the most difficult month, and the start of the most difficult time of year for me. September 29 was two years since my mother passed away.

Mom loved the holidays and always made them so special for all of us. She always cooked Thanksgiving dinner at her house and we would all be there together. Christmas was wonderful too. She cooked a wonderful dinner, and we all exchanged gifts.

There were always piles of gifts. She would find something that she had to have for one of her kids or grandkids,then she would have to buy something else for all the rest, because she never wanted to do more for one than all the others. We always told her that we didn't care about those things, but she always insisted.

Truth be told she just loved to do things for all of us.

Each year at this time, these memories, and more, come flooding back to me. It's painful, but not quite as painful as in the past two years. Now I am finding more comfort in her memories, and smiling more when I remember..

I am so thankful that she was my mom, and I have these wonderful memories of her. I am also thankful, that because of her, I discovered my high risk for cancer, and was able to lower that risk tremendously.

I am thankful for people like this; FORCE and this; Loreal Color of Hope , who educate women about their risks,and raise money for research to delete this horrible disease that steals away our mothers, grandmothers, wives, sisters, daughters...

This holiday season, take care of yourselves, and give yourself or a loved one the gift of knowledge.

Knowledge is very powerful.....

....no worries

2007-10-30T07:48:00.000-06:00

May pathology reports are back. The verdict is, "no invasive carcinoma".

Translation? No cancer, no chemo, no worries.....

There were some scary things on that report though. Cell changes that said it was just a matter of time. My surgeons have all said it was a very wise decision to have this surgery, and good that I did it when I did. I don't regret the decision at all.

Now I will concentrate on healing and getting back to life again...

surviving a pink October

2007-10-22T21:34:00.000-06:00

I have to admit that I've found October to be an oddly painful month for the last few years.

October brings constant reminders, everywhere I look, about a disease that has permeated and effected my family for far too long. I also find it irritating that we still don't talk as freely about the other cancers that effect women.

Most people reading here don't know that September is Ovarian Cancer Awareness month, just as October is Breast Cancer Awareness month. In September you scarcely hear about ovca. You definitely don't walk into a Hallmark store and see teal candles on a special display. You don't get offered a teal bracelet for an extra two bucks at your local discount shoe chain. Your favorite oil change place doesn't donate a buck for every customer in Sept. to ovca research...

I hope to one day see that.

After all- look how far we have come with breast cancer.
We remind each other to do our monthly self exams.. We remind each other to get our mammograms.. We have programs in place so that women without insurance can get those mammograms.
Not too many years ago, people did not even say the word "cancer" out loud.
October now brings in-your-face reminders about breast cancer everywhere you look. I hope someday we are as open about all cancers.

This year, October has been very different for me. I woke up, after a bilateral mastectomy, to a roomful of flowers adorned with pink ribbons. Many of the tags from the florists had messages saying that some money from all orders in Oct. is donated for breast cancer research. These tags are applied to all arrangements- the florist never knowing who is on the receiving end and why....

If wearing pink every day for the rest of my life would guarantee a cure for cancer I would do it.

But it's not the wearing of pink or a pink ribbon magnet on the back of your mini-van. It's the fact that pink everywhere makes us talk to each other. It makes us remind each other to take care of ourselves. It evokes the emotion that countless women should not die from this horrid disease. We need to keep talking and spreading the word....

time to save my own life.....

2007-10-07T20:22:00.001-06:00

I've known for several years that some day I would have surgery to reduce my odds of getting breast or ovarian cancer.
It's funny how life plays your hand sometimes...

Earlier this year, a routine mammogram showed several 'questionable' areas and surgical biopsies were recommended. I had four areas from one breast and two from the other removed. Thankfully all were benign.
It was recommended that I follow up every six months- forever.

A couple of months ago I found a lump and my surgeon wanted to do another biopsy.
I said no.
I have opted instead to have bilateral mastecomies. I refuse to keep having surgery on breasts that I want gone.
I'm not willing to gamble with my life any longer.

This week I will join my sister and thousands of other women who have chosen surgery over the possibility of cancer.

There is a lot of information available for people who want to learn more about family cancers and genetic risks.
One wonderful site is
FORCE: Facing Our Risk of Cancer Empowered.
http://www.facingourrisk.org/

how to save a life.......

2007-07-26T20:10:00.000-06:00

I recently learned of something called Give Love Give Life.
http://givelovegivelife.org/

It was a benefit concert held in February for ovarian cancer research and awareness. Musician/actor John Trudell founded the campaign. His longtime partner Marcia Labertrom came up with the idea for a concert to raise money and awareness. She fought ovarian cancer for seven years, and died just a few weeks before the concert. John's mother also died of ovarian cancer. He was only six years old at the time.

John, along with his good friends Jackson Browne and Willie Nelson starred. 2007 was the second year for this concert. They plan to continue yearly. One hundred percent of the net proceeds from the concert is given to the Cedars-Sinai Women's Cancer Research Institute.

Every seven minutes, a woman in the United States is diagnosed (usually after losing precious time to a misdiagnosis) with a gynecological cancer--200 per day--over 80,000 per year. The American Cancer Society states that over 80 women a day die from such cancers--over 30,000 per year.

Increasing research and awareness will lead to better detection and treatment and ultimately save many women's lives.

What can You do about this? Spread the word- pass on your knowledge. Every time we do that, we raise awareness. And by raising awareness, you might just save a life.....

b9 b9 B9

2007-07-20T18:11:00.000-06:00

My sister called today. She was finally able to go for a little walk outside, and is starting to feel much better..

It didn't hurt that she received some very good news;

All biopsies were negative for cancer............

beating the odds...

2007-07-14T20:51:00.000-06:00

In a little under eight hours, my sister's odds of getting ovarian and/or breast cancer in her lifetime went from 80% to 2%. I would guess the ovarian part has really dropped to 0% considering there are no longer ovaries just sitting around waiting to become cancerous..

She is home now and resting as comfortably as can be expected (which is not comfortable at all).

Everything went according to plan. One by one the surgeons came to us when their part of the dance was finished and told us there were no complications and this was a very intelligent decision for her to make.

out damn spot............

2007-07-08T21:44:00.001-06:00

Life takes so many twists and turns...

I recently read an article in my local paper that the AP had picked up. It said that doctors and scientists are agreeing now that the symptoms of Ovarian Cancer aren't really silent after all.. Something victims of this horrible disease have been saying forever. I am sure that not every doctor in the world read this little article, so women still need to be speak up- jump up and down and scream if you have to- when it comes to your own health. If your doctor doesn't listen, find one who will...

Since I last wrote here, a cousin was told she had kidney cancer, another was told she had thyroid cancer, an Aunt, her daughter, and her grandaughter are undergoing chemo together for breast cancer... My beloved Aunt was told she had ovarian cancer and resolved herself to being 'the next one' in our family.

And my dear sweet sister found a lump in her breast.

If you've read here you know that we were never tested for the gene mutation that causes ovarian and breast cancer.. Sis and I just decided that someday soon we would take care of the dangers ourselves. Many women are having prophylactic mastectomies and oophorectomies (removal of ovaries) because of strong family history of cancer.
She went to her doctor, ready to argue her point. Many doctors still think it's crazy to remove 'healthy' body parts for preventative purposes.
To her amazement her doctor suggested it before she asked.
So this Thursday she will undergo an 8 hour operation for a total hysterectomy, and to have her breasts removed, and reconstructed..
If you pray please say one for her..
They will biopsy the lump after the surgery. It is said that 80% of all lumps are benign.. we're praying of course that hers is.

After Thursday she will still have the normal worries that most people have, but when it comes to breast and ovarian cancer she will no longer have the fear of - as she says- WHEN- not if...

staying warm...

2006-11-16T19:36:00.000-07:00

I made it through September..
As I look back over the past year I realize that, even though the loss of my mother hurts tremendously, It is becoming easier to deal with...
I can think of mom and smile more.. We talk about her more often..

The weather here is very cold and dreary now.
This time last year, dad asked sis and I to please clean out mom's closets for him. Even though he still had her pictures everywhere, It was too painful for him to see her things every day. It was too painful for me to see her clothes too, so I stored them away.

Today I wore one of her coats.
It was wonderful.
It kept me warm in more ways than one. I hung it on the back of my office door when I got to work...
Every time I saw it, I thought of mom and smiled.
There was a penny in the pocket- which I'm sure she left there for me...
And on one of the collars was a tiny apple pin....

wake me up when September ends....

2006-09-05T21:28:00.000-06:00

September is National Ovarian Cancer Awareness month in the US.

Although designating a month for awareness of ovca is a step in the right direction, it is my hope that someday women will be taught to be aware of the symptoms of this disease as they are taught about breast cancer. I hope that someday there will be adequate funding for research for a cure of the most deadly cancer a woman can get.
I hope that someday, ovca will not be the 5th leading cause of death in women..

Raising awareness is as simple as sharing information with each other...
Please tell someone....

You can learn more about this disease by reading here- http://cancer.about.com/od/ovariancancer/a/ovarianawarenes.htm or here... http://64.132.170.241/newnocc/updateie.asp
or you can read our story in my archives........

September 26 will be one year since my mother passed away...
I'll never forget the words she said to me..

"If just one person is helped by what is learned from my illness, then everything will be alright.."

for her birthday.....

2006-08-21T23:59:00.000-06:00

Today is my mother's birthday...

I spent the entire day thinking about her... Some sadness, but mostly happy thoughts about the wonderful woman I was blessed to have as my mother.

I was going to buy some roses to take to her grave but I realized that mom would have liked ones from my garden instead. I picked several beautiful blooms and tied them in purple ribbon.
Now, in honor of my mother's birthday, I am going to do something that she would want me to do.

I am going to get on my soap box and give a lecture. This is for everyone- men, women, young, and old. Please stick around long enough to read this and then pass it on to someone else....

A co-worker recently told me her daughter was found to have a mass on one of her ovaries. It's not known yet if it's cancer but it doesn't sound promising. She said that her gynecologist would be doing surgery and then they would go from there. I told my friend that her daughter needed to go to a Gynecologic Oncologist to have the surgery done. She told me that it was ok- her daughter trusted her gynecologist.

This isn't a matter of trusting or liking your gynecologist.. this is literally a matter of life or death!
Having a Gynecologic Oncologist do the initial surgery or 'debulking' greatly increases your chances of survival. They are Gynecologists who specialize in the diagnosis and treatment of women with cancer of the reproductive organs, and they have specialized training and experience in radical pelvic surgery. (debulking is the removal of as much tumor mass as possible). Debulking surgery is especially important in ovarian cancer because aggressive removal of cancerous tissue is associated with improved survival. Patients with no residual tumor mass, or tumor masses that measure less than 1 cm, have the best opportunity for cure.

I am amazed that people don't know this, or at least do some research when faced with the possibility of this disease... My co-worker knows that I have first-hand knowledge, yet it didn't seem to cause her to take what I was saying seriously... Hopefully she went home, thought about what I said, and talked to her daughter.

The American Cancer Society estimates that there will be about 20,180 new cases of ovarian cancer in this country in 2006. About 15,310 women will die this year because of the disease.
I don't know about everyone else, but I don't like those survival odds.. We have to continue to educate ourselves and each other..

Happy Birthday Mom.. I miss you so much......

from the mouths of babes...

2006-08-03T20:15:00.000-06:00

It's not been a year yet since we lost mom.
Everyone seems to be coping most of the time.
Dad has gone back to his part time job that he started after he retired. He's been fishing with my cousin's husband, and of course hangs out with the grandkids as much as possible.

While talking on the phone with him one day last week, dad kind of laughed and said, "you won't believe what your grandson said to me the other day.."

He said, " grandpa you need to get a wife." Dad asked why he thought he should do that. and he said, "you need someone to take care of you!" He told him, "No i don't buddy! I've got you." To which my grandson replied- "no- you need a lady."

Keep in mind this is my 6 year grandson who has been raised by my parents. He was probably closer to mom than anyone else. He knows that mom wouldn't want us all to be sad and lonely forever- least of all dad. He's a smart, funny, loving child. My mother's influence certainly shows in him.
Just another part of her legacy that will live on....

The roses....

2006-07-06T00:26:00.000-06:00

I wanted to share with all of you a picture of the rose bush that my mother planted. It was planted in the backyard of the house I grew up in- and live in now.

It's been over thirty-eight years since she planted it, and it's still beautiful.

The blooms have started to fade now but the bush is thriving.

Another reminder of my mother's love.
Even though she is no longer physically with us, her love and spirit continues to touch our lives everyday....

LIVESTRONG Day

2006-05-16T23:08:00.000-06:00

Today has been designated LIVESTRONG Day by the Lance Armstrong Foundation.
http://www.livestrong.org
All across the country, thousands of people will be working to raise awareness of an issue that has affected too many of us- Cancer..

Three out of every four American families will have at least one family member diagnosed with cancer.

I lost my mother just over seven months ago. Some days it seems like yesterday. Other days it seems forever ago. The pain is still very real, as is the anger, and the fear.

Since December of 2004, I have met so many people whose lives have been affected by cancer. Sadly, many have died along the way... Too many.

We have to make changes so our sons and daughters
and grandchildren and great-grandchildren won't have to live in fear.

Talk to your state representative.
Talk to your doctor.
Make a donation.
Run a marathon.
Walk for a cure.
Examine your breasts.
Examine your testicles.
Get a colonoscopy or a mammogram or both.
Remind your parents, your kids, your neighbors.
Wear a teal or pink ribbon or a yellow bracelet.
Light a candle and say a prayer.
Just do something.............
TOGETHER we can make a difference and LIVESTRONG.....................................

...Mother's day

2006-05-14T21:40:00.000-06:00

Today was my first mother's day without mom.

It goes without saying that it was difficult. In some ways, the days leading up to today were more difficult than today itself..
I kept thinking of what I was going to buy for her mother's day gift..

I read back to last year's mother's day. It was a good day for mom...
http://jsdaughter.blogspot.com/2005/05/happy-mothers-day.html#comments

As I visited with my children today, I realized how blessed I am. I have so many wonderful days to look forward to, and so many precious memories to cherish...

rose garden.....

2006-04-30T23:04:00.000-06:00

A few years ago, my children gave me a rose garden for Mother's Day. They gave me several bushes and did the labor of preparing the garden. My rose garden is my favorite place to be in my yard. Especially in the spring- It is so exciting to see the new green leaves on bushes that are waking up from a deep winter's sleep.

Almost all of my roses are hybrid teas. I have several different colors. I cut many roses and took them to mom last year. She never went very long without a bouquet of fresh flowers. Her favorite flower was yellow roses, because those were what she wore when she married my dad.

Because we have such harsh winters here, I am always careful when protecting my garden in the late fall. Even though I take great care, sometimes I lose a bush, and have to replace it in the spring. Sadly, this year, my yellow bush was the one I lost.

However, one bush continues to amaze me, year after year...

I am living in the house that I grew up in. Mom planted a climbing red rose in the backyard shortly after dad and grandpa built the house. It had been dormant for several years. When we moved in here I gave it lots of TLC and it started blooming again.

Now, 38 years later, it too is covered with tiny new green leaves.
Even without blooms it is beautiful.
I can't help but think of mom each time I look at it, and I can't help but smile......

how i am.....

2006-04-20T00:14:00.000-06:00

Someone very kindly asked how I am.. The past seven months have been obviously difficult for me. Seven months sounds like such a long time, yet I can't believe that amount of time has passed so quickly.
I am still a master at denying my feelings and I keep waiting for that moment when I break down and really cry over the loss of my best friend. I think I learned the art of this while mom was sick.. (http://jsdaughter.blogspot.com/2005_03_01)
My life is moving on, and to outsiders it seems that all is well. I even received a big promotion at work. (The first thing I wanted to do was call mom..)
My personal relationships, however, have suffered. I've not found anyone I am close enough to that I can talk with about my feelings.....
I took some flowers to mom's grave on Easter Sunday and my husband came along with me. I asked him if he had seen her headstone yet and he said he hadn't been able to- not meaning he hadn't found the time - but hadn't been able to bring himself to go. (The cemetary is very close to where we live and we pass by it every day)
He held me, and he cried, and I couldn't shed a tear.........

not just a dash......

2006-04-04T10:07:00.000-06:00

Several weeks ago, a headstone was placed at my mothers grave.
It's very pretty... Soft grey with angels engraved at each upper corner..
Of course her name is engraved, along with the date of her birth, and that of her death.

As I looked at this memorial I thought of something I once read. How interesting it is that a person's entire life is summed up by a dash between two numbers.

It represents the joy her parents felt when their firstborn child entered the world, and the sorrow my mother felt when she was just a young child and her parents died. Her happiness when she became a mother, a grandmother, and then a great-grandmother...

In just that small dash, are years of memories, happiness, sorrow, joy, tears.... Lives changed by her words, her touch....

The image in my mind when I see that tiny dash is much more than any photograph could ever show....

my friend after all......

2006-03-02T11:35:00.000-07:00

It's said that time heals all wounds..
I don't believe that time will ever completely heal my pain,
but it is no longer as sharp as it once was...

I'm beginning to be able to think of my mother again. I've stopped 'changing the subject' in my mind when something makes me think of her. I'm no longer as afraid that if I do think of her, I will crumble. I'm allowing myself to see that no one person grieves the same as another. Humans don't follow a formula because another human put it to paper.

Sometimes I remember the sound of her voice, or the touch of her hand on my face. Thankfully, now, those thoughts give me peace.

I don't want to forget my mother, I just don't want the memories to be painful anymore....

I think maybe time is becoming my friend after all....

she said yes....

2006-02-15T22:49:00.000-07:00

Almost a year ago, my oldest son met a wonderful young lady. She is one of those rare people who is beautiful inside and out. When you meet her for the first time you feel as if she's been part of the family forever...

She met mom and they were able to spend some time together. Of course mom liked her immediately just like the rest of us did...

This past weekend my son proposed to her... It was so sweet. He paid attention to every detail from the custom designed ring to the horse and carriage ride, where he asked her to be his bride. It's so wonderful to see happiness and romance still exists...
Those precious moments somehow make all of the sadness and pain of life worth it all....

And I know mom is smiling, because she said "yes"........

100 days...

2006-01-03T23:18:00.000-07:00

Today my mother has been gone for 100 days..

I really expected to follow all of those steps of grief that Elisabeth Kubler-Ross decided we all experience. Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance..

I went through the bargaining while mom was still with us.

Depression seems to be a daily occurrence.

I've discovered that I'm very good with Denial. ( I'm so afraid that If I think too much about her, I will fall apart and not be able to function.)

Anger- Oh you bet. I'm angry that such a vibrant and beautiful woman was taken away by this horrible disease. I'm angry that we didn't get to spend more time together. I'm angry that my father is in pain. I'm angry that no one would listen when she told them what was wrong..

Acceptance- I don't believe that will ever happen...

In this day and age, where we hope and wish and pray for miracles,
I keep reminding myself that life itself is a miracle.
Feeling the love my father has for my mother when he speaks of her is a miracle..
Seeing my mother's eyes when I look at my sister is a miracle..
Hearing the music that my children play because it was passed to them through the generations of my mother's family is a miracle..
Watching my grandson grow into a loving caring little boy because it's what my mother taught him is a miracle..

Breathing for a hundred days is a miracle...

time...

2005-12-15T09:46:00.000-07:00

It has been a little over two months since my mother passed away. Words cannot express how much I miss her.

I have had a birthday and Thanksgiving without her. I've had Tuesdays, and Fridays, and Mondays without her.... Christmas will be here soon and I'm not ready...

I think of mom so much every single day. I don't know how many times I've gone to pick up the phone and call her. That's what I always did before. If anything exciting, or interesting, or funny happened, I called mom.
When I needed someone to talk to- someone who would tell me everything would be alright- I called mom. She always knew what comforting words to say, and what advice to give.

They say that time will lessen the pain. I just don't see how...

saying goodbye...

2005-10-03T22:45:00.000-06:00

My mother has left this earth and is now walking streets of gold...

It has been difficult for me to write this last entry. When I started this journal I had visions of writing about a happy ending. I wanted to write about the celebrations we would have when the cancer was gone.

This journey that we have taken did not lead us where we had hoped it would. As I said, I wanted to write a happy ending, but as I look back on the last nine months of my mother’s life, there was much happiness.
We celebrated Christmas as a family. Mom’s children and grandchildren all gathered in her home.
She witnessed her oldest daughter finally receiving a college degree. She danced at her first granddaughter’s wedding. And even in her last weeks of life, she attended a high school football game and watched her grandson play quarterback. She hadn’t missed a game of his since he was six years old.

In the last nine months we cried, we reminisced, we laughed, and we smiled. Mom shared so many things with us that we will never forget.

Mom was the kind of person that always made sure everyone was taken care of. She was such a loving, giving person. I’ve always been told you reap what you sow. For mom this was true.

In her last days, her husband, her daughters, her grandchildren, her two brothers, and her beloved aunt, along with special friends she had made and kept over the years were at her bedside daily. She knew how much she was loved.

When mom finally took her last breath, she was very peaceful. Her favorite gospel music was playing, and her husband, and two daughters were at her side.

When mom was laid to rest, the minister said something that I’d like to share..
He said if it would comfort us to visit mom’s grave, then we should. But we should not think of it as the place where mom is. Instead, we should think of a beautiful garment that served its purpose, but that she has outgrown.

You wore it well mom…

I will miss you…

letting go...

2005-09-11T23:42:00.000-06:00

My mother is losing her battle...
She is peaceful and not in pain.

Each day she slips further and further away from us.

It is so difficult to watch her go, and even more difficult to see the pain in my father's eyes.

how do I answer?

2005-09-05T21:26:00.000-06:00

Many people know that mom has been ill.
Often I am asked how she is..
Often I'm not sure how to answer.

Somehow saying it out loud makes it more real. Saying she isn't doing well, and hearing those words come out of my mouth, effects me in a way I can't describe.

I want to be honest with people- but at the same time do people really want to know?

Do I say "she's hanging in there?" and then change the subject? I'm never sure..
Sometimes I want to scream that she's still sick and it isn't fair!!
Other times I want to say, "everything's wonderful", in hopes that saying it will make it true..

happy birthday...

2005-08-31T23:48:00.000-06:00

We recently celebrated mom's birthday.
The kids and grandkids were there.
We had cake and ice cream and presents...

It was really a bittersweet day. Mom was so happy to have everyone who loves her there celebrating her special day, but I'm sure I was not the only one thinking it may be her last birthday.

One of the grandkids bought her an adorable angel figurine. I had to leave the room to wipe away the tears when mom opened it. The angel is holding armfuls of apples...

Mom's condition has not really changed much. She has had so many platelet and blood transfusions that I have lost count. But her blood counts are slowly (very slowly) getting closer to normal, so we have that to be thankful for. She is becoming very depressed because she hasn't had the energy to do anything. We have been taking her videos of the grandkids' sports and school events, but it's not the same.

It's hard to believe that it's been almost nine months since mom was diagnosed.
It's hard to know what to pray for anymore. I've prayed for a miracle so many times. But I also know that we have been blessed with many miracles....

Happy Birthday Mom........

real men carry purses...

2005-08-07T21:58:00.000-06:00

I haven't written anything about my dad in awhile...
He's still holding up pretty well. I think he's dealing with not being able to do anything about mom's illness by doing everything else for her that he can.

He still does all the laundry and cleaning around the house. He cooks- as long as she doesn't feel well enough to beat him to the kitchen..

When I went with them to mom's doctor appointment, I watched everything dad was doing for her. She took her sandals off to get on the scale. When she stepped off, dad was bent down at her feet putting her sandals back on her. Dad knew it would be difficult for mom to bend down and put them back on herself. She didn't even have to ask- he was just there.

I also noticed he was carrying her purse.
I'm not really sure what mom carries in that purse, but it's always been very heavy. Dad had everyone in the waiting room laughing. He said, "Jeez this purse is heavy! It's probably because she insists on putting her gun in here!"

When we were leaving the office I looked back and noticed the purse matched dad's shirt. I told him that handbag really looked good with his outfit.

He just grinned at me...

answers...

2005-08-04T00:16:00.000-06:00

Mom had some serious complications after that last chemo treatment. She was in the hospital for several days, and left ready to fight some more.

I was able to talk with mom about her prognosis and her doctor's latest plan of action. I was able to see that she does understand what is happening, but was in denial. She told me about a young woman with ovarian cancer, who has been a patient of her doctor for over ten years, and receives "maintenance" treatments. The difference between mom and the other woman is that mom's cancer has not yet been in remission- the other woman's was caught in time to get her to remission.

Mom and I talked to her doctor together. They're going to spend the next several weeks trying to get mom's blood counts back in order and get her stronger. Then, if possible, they will do another surgery and try to remove the rest of the tumor that was left behind after the first surgery.

We were told in the beginning that only 5% of the mass was left because it had adhered to other organs. The problem with that is this is a fast growing cancer and by the time they started chemo it was already out of control. So much for "optimal debulking". The sad thing is that the entire tumor and part of the affected organ could have been removed in the beginning. But I guess that's why they say hind sight is 20-20...

Doc explained to mom that they may not be able to get her strong enough for this surgery. Then he explained that, if they do the surgery, afterward they will discuss other treatment options. He also told her she would have to decide if all of this is worth it to her because there may be nothing left that will work.

I feel that I have the answers to my questions now. Even though the answers were not what I wanted to hear. The most important thing is that mom understands, and she still has hope. I believe that, and all of the prayers that are being said for her are the greatest weapons of all...

last treatment...

2005-07-21T00:04:00.000-06:00

Mom had her last chemo treatment this week.
Her doctor said they will focus on "quality of life" issues from now on.
The cancer is not in remission.

I was not able to go to her appointment with her, but dad and sis did.
They both said mom is happy about not having any more treatments. I'm not sure if she really understands that this doesn't mean the cancer is gone.
But then again- She's a very sharp lady. And I know she's so tired of feeling bad.
I don't know if she'll be open to a second opinion at this point.

I have so many questions. I'm not sure I want all of the answers.

hanging on...

2005-07-07T22:21:00.000-06:00

Since the wedding, mom has had two chemo treatments.
It has been the same routine.

She feels ok, then kind of bad, then really bad.
Then she needs blood, or platelets, or antibiotics.
Or all of the above..

And of course she can't have chemo.
In the meantime, her CA125 is back up again.

I'm starting to wonder if we need another opinion from another oncologist.
Or is this the way cancer treatment goes?

I know it will not be the same for everyone, but It seems if the treatment plan you are following is two steps forward and three steps back- Maybe it's time to look into another treatment plan.

Am I just being impatient?
I know my mother is losing patience.
I don't want her to lose hope...

wear your perfume...

2005-06-24T09:27:00.000-06:00

Every year for Christmas, Mom and Dad give Sis and I an expensive bottle of perfume. If Mom isn't sure what our favorite at the time is she asks what we would like.

Two years ago for Christmas, they gave me a bottle of Christian Dior's Poison. I used to wear it years ago, and when mom asked what I would like for my gift, I decided I'd like to go back to it again.

I still have almost half of that bottle left.

If you've been reading, you know that we were kind of busy on Christmas last year. When we finally did get to celebrate, mom sent dad out with a list of gifts to buy. Next to my name she wrote "Poison". Dad bought Hypnotic Poison. I had never worn that one, but I absolutely love it.

The only thing I didn't like about it, is that it comes in a bottle that looks like an apple. It's really a beautiful bottle, but I thought it was very ironic. If you've been reading, you know I had a little problem with apples for awhile...

I think I've finally gotten over my aversion to apples. That pretty little red bottle of Hypnotic Poison is sitting on my dresser next to the purple bottle of Poison.

I've always saved my good perfume for special occasions. Over time perfume will go bad. I've often thrown out perfume I haven't used.

Yesterday I looked at the bottles on my dresser and thought about that. Like I said, the Poison is two years old now. If I don't use it up soon, it will go bad and I'll have to throw it away...And it's been almost six months and I've barely used the Hypnotic Poison...

It was then that I realized that I should wear the good stuff all the time, because LIFE is a special occasion...

a beautiful day....

2005-06-06T14:19:00.000-06:00

It was a beautiful day.
The sky was blue, and the sun was shining brightly.
The bride was radiantly beautiful,
And her grandmother danced at her wedding...

things are looking up...

2005-06-03T08:48:00.000-06:00

Mom told her doc a while back that she didn't want chemo the week of the wedding. She wanted to be able to enjoy the day. I guess it's all working out because she wouldn't have been able to have the treatment with a low white count anyway.

They've not checked the count since last week. This is puzzling to me, but I guess that's why I'm not a doctor. Maybe they think since they're not doing a treatment they may as well wait.

On the good side, Mom's feeling great! I know that having your red count restored will make you feel better. Does the white count have the same effect? If so then things are looking up so to speak.

She's enjoying herself, shopping for the perfect dress for the wedding and all that goes with it. Dad says she's the one who's supposed to be tired, but he's worn out!

one accomplished......

2005-05-25T12:03:00.000-06:00

Mom made it to the graduation.

Our graduate is in her forties and because of children and life along the way, it has taken her a long time to get her degree. But she did it and mom was there.

Her doctor was relunctant to let her go because her white count was so low. Even a cold germ could have landed her in the hospital. But mom was insistent. Doc relented with instructions for mom to stay as far away from the crowds as possible. We found a corner by the door so she could leave as soon as it was finished.
She was very happy to be there.

After antibiotics, and two units of blood, mom is feeling somewhat better. No word on the latest CA125 count. It's such a disappointment that it is going up after all of this progress.

By the way- mom didn't pick up any germs at the graduation. But guess who did?? I've been staying away from her and am off to the doc myself today. Have to get well for that wedding coming up!!

milestones.........

2005-05-19T20:50:00.000-06:00

I really thought mom was getting close to being "well". I'm realistic enough to know what living with cancer is like. I also know you have to get through the treatments and the cancer declared "gone" before you can live with cancer or as I said- be "well".

After mom's last hospital stay and surgery, things were going so well. She started feeling better, her CA125 was going down, she was even driving again.

This week she started feeling bad again. She has an elevated temp and her CA125 is going up.

But mom is still amazing me. She made some goals when she was first diagnosed- To make it to a daughter's college graduation, and go to her grandaughter's wedding.

These milestones are coming up in the next few weeks. Mom is bound and determined to be there- and I believe she will be.

happy mother's day...........

2005-05-08T19:26:00.000-06:00

Mom had her chemo this week. She had a few bad days, but nothing like before. She is feeling much better today and got dressed up and Dad took her out. It's so wonderful to see that. Especially since she has spent so many months not being able to go anywhere.

Her chemo nurse called to give her good news. Her CA125 is now at 600. If you know anything about these counts- that isn't really a good number. But in comparison to what it has been- it is a beautiful number.

To all of the mothers out there- God Bless and Happy Mother's Day.

here we go again........

2005-05-05T21:19:00.000-06:00

Mom went back for chemo this week. She was pretty nervous about it. The last time she was sooo sick. We know now that it wasn't the chemo, but she still knows she will have effects from it. She's just starting to feel better again...

I think the one thing that has affected her the most is the loss of her independence. She was so used to being able to do anything she wanted. She hasn't driven a car since December.

She does have a good outlook though. I'm so proud of her. I'm not sure if I were in her situation I'd be so easy to get along with, or have such a positive attitude.

So here we go again. We'll know sometime this week if the CA125 has gone up or not. It's been several weeks now since she's had chemo. Hopefully the cancer didn't take hold again.

the roses...

2005-04-26T13:45:00.000-06:00

Spring has always been my favorite time of year. Everything is fresh and new. The bulbs that have been sleeping in the ground all winter burst forth with a rainbow of color. My beloved rose garden wakes up. The tender dark green leaves giving proof of life.

I hadn't ventured to the rose garden yet this year. I finally did that today. There I saw the rose bush that my mother planted thirty-five years ago. After a cold, harsh winter, it is thriving. Literally thousands of new leaves and many new shoots. Soon it will be covered in beautiful, fragrant red blooms.

I stood in the garden and cried. Not tears of sadness, but of joy.

My mother is still with me and plans to be for many more years. Her rose bush is proof that after she leaves this earth, whenever that may be, she will live on. Not only in the roses- she is in my heart, my soul, my very being...

home!!

2005-04-21T22:45:00.000-06:00

On Tuesday mom's doc stuck his head in her room and said "you want to go home?!"

Believe me- mom was ready.

It's so wonderful having her home again. She's getting stronger day by day. She's soooo thin, but her colorful is wonderful, her eyes sparkle, and she's feeling so much better.

The doc's believe that this problem is the reason she hasn't been getting better since the beginning. Hopefully now she'll be on the road to recovery. She has an appt next week to see when she can start her chemo again.

Thank you everyone for your kind words and prayers. They mean more to me than you'll ever know....

Spring.......

2005-04-18T22:13:00.000-06:00

Mom's recovery has been amazing. She is even starting to sound like herself again.

Today her doctor said she could go outside in a wheelchair if she would like. It was a beautiful day. Doc ok'd disconnecting her IV lines so we didn't have to take the pump with us, and said stay out as long as she would like.

The sun was shining, the birds were singing...

There were some bright yellow daffodils around the walkway...

We walked around a large garden that is on the hospital grounds. It's actually like a small park. There are benches and some interesting sculptures.

There weren't many flowers besides the daffodils and a few azaleas, but that didn't matter. The smile on my mother's face was more beautiful than anything I've seen in a long time..

much better...

2005-04-15T21:58:00.000-06:00

Mom made it through the surgery without any complications. She woke up a few hours after and was talking to us and everything was great.

The next day we thought we were losing her... She had two IV lines, a tube in her nose into her stomach and blood infusing.

The next day she was a little better. The day after that was like she turned a corner and was doing great. It was an amazing transformation.

Sis and I spent many nights sleeping in the chair in her room so dad could go home and get some sleep.

She's starting to eat liquids now and they're staying down. The doctors say she may be going home next week...

She's bound and determined to beat this thing....

the specialist....

2005-04-11T21:41:00.000-06:00

The doctors have known all along that, for some reason, mom's digestive system has shut down. They just couldn't agree on why and what to do about it.

The specialist who saw her tonight agreed with what the problem is. His opinion of why is, that not enough of the tumor was removed during her first surgery and it has grown again. It has compressed her internal organs, not allowing anything to move through.

I have suspected this all along because mom has been having the same symptoms she had when she was first diagnosed.

His recommendation is surgery to "re-route" things so to speak. He believes if he does a more radical surgery and tries to remove the tumor and repair the damage, mom won't survive. She is much too debilitated at this point.

I was afraid when he told mom this, she would say she'd had enough- but she said "Let's do it." She said she can't go on like she is. She believes if this doesn't help the problem, or if she doesn't make it through the surgery then it is her time to go.

The surgery will be tomorrow sometime.....

2005-04-10T22:28:00.000-06:00

I'm not sure how I will get through this. I am still taking one day at a time, one hour at a time, one minute at a time.

Mom's condition is steadily declining. We have called in a new specialist who will see her early tomorrow, and try to pinpoint what exactly the problem is.

So far she has seen several doctors. They have all had differing opinions. While they are all trying to get on the same page, mom is slowly fading away....

reality..

2005-03-31T21:35:00.000-07:00

I feel as though in the past few months I've been living in two separate worlds. One is the world where life is going on and we have to work and sleep and eat. The other is always there but is veiled in a fog. It's the world where mom is fighting for her life. I know it is there - off in the distance. I've learned to live day to day without looking too closely at that second world. Even when I'm sitting with mom while she has chemo or holding her while she's in pain. I don't know if this is denial or acceptance.

Yesterday I got off the elevator at the hospital and walked down a deserted hallway. In front of me was a door with a sign on it that said Inpatient Cancer Center. At that moment, the stark reality hit me so hard, it took my breath away. The fog didn't romantically lift. It was stripped away suddenly and painfully.

After sitting with mom for awhile, it was time for me to leave. She still won't sleep if we're there with her.

I sobbed as I rode the elevator down, then I walked out into the night and into the fog.............

another wrong turn............

2005-03-26T15:46:00.000-07:00

If you pray, please say one for my mom.

She isn't doing well and was admitted to the hospital yesterday.

I'll update when I can.........

just curious....

2005-03-19T20:28:00.000-07:00

We are still waiting on the genetic testing results. Here's a little info to fill you in.. And a question I'd like to ask...

Ovarian and breast cancer can be caused by a genetic mutation that is passed on in families. Two mutations have been identified. BRCA1 and BRCA2. If you have these mutations, it's not guaranteed you will get cancer but the odds increase dramatically. When several women in a family have breast cancer or more than one has ovarian cancer the red flags go up and genetics are suspected. (Two women in my family have had ovarian cancer and three have had breast cancer)

I have a question for all of you. My mother was tested. She already has OVCA so the information will not help her. Identifying a gene mutation may help the other women in our family. The lab will know what to look for -so to speak. Mom was tested for us.

If you were me,and if you had a choice, what would you want those results to be?

I'll tell you how I feel and what my thoughts are after I hear from you.........

good help is hard to find.....

2005-03-14T21:19:00.000-07:00

Today mom was feeling much better. She still doesn't have a lot of energy but she wants to do things - like cook dinner, clean the house, etc, etc..
The fact that she is motivated to do more is great. It's just very frustrating for her because she doesn't have the energy to do it yet.

Dad has been so wonderful. He hasn't missed a beat. The laundry has been done. The carpets have been vaccuumed. The bathrooms have been scrubbed. Everything has been done and often. Their house is always spotless.

Dad has always done things around the house. He's done some laundry and cooked at times. But mom has always done everything else. She was telling me on the phone yesterday how wonderful he's been. He heard her and hollered in the background "Hey! This housewife stuff is hard work!"

And mom laughed. What a wonderful thing to hear.......

very strong woman...

2005-03-13T21:53:00.000-07:00

Mom has had several treatments now. How she feels never seems to follow a pattern. Sometimes she feels great for several days after a treatment and then crashes- feels terrible. Sometimes she feels terrible the day of the treatment.

A lot of fluid had built back up in mom's abdomen since her surgery. (they drained seven liters at that time) The docs kept telling her that the chemo would take care of it. It didn't. Mom tries so hard to not complain about anything. I didn't realize that this had not been brought up with her doctor again. By now mom was having trouble breathing again and was having shooting pains in her side. She couldn't get comfortable to sleep and could eat very little because she felt so full.

We discussed this with her doc last week. They did a sonogram to see exactly where the fluid was, and drained over four liters. It was pushing her lung upwards and compressing her spleen, stomach and bladder. I think if it was me I would have been complaining a lot.

The doc then asked her if she felt up to another chemo treatment and she felt so much better that she said "Sure! Let's do it!"

She then went back the next day so they could infuse two units of blood.

I'm amazed at all she went through in just twenty-four hours.
I've always known my mother is a very strong woman but that impressed even me....

Finally....

2005-03-07T05:39:00.000-07:00

Mom has had several chemo treatments now and was becoming discouraged again. She feels bad most of the time and none of the treatments have been working.
The doc has been monitoring her CA125 which is a blood test that measures ovarian cancer. Under 35 is considered normal. When mom had her surgery, hers was close to ten thousand.

After her surgery, and all during the chemo treatments the count has stayed well over 7000. Not good.

Friday, mom called, and was very excited. The nurse had just called and given her some good news for a change. Her count has gone down to around 2000. Still not a good number overall, but for someone who has consistently stayed in those high numbers, 2000 is a very good number.

The first thing mom said was, "The prayers, all of our prayers are working!"

Just One...

2005-02-25T10:35:00.000-07:00

Time is marching on.
One day at a time......

Mom is feeling well but the chemo is not working so far.
Some of us are handling all of this better than others. Mom seems to be handling it better than most of us. Which is a very good thing.

Her hair has stopped falling out. I know that some people do not lose their hair to chemo but when hers started going I was sure it would all go. Oddly enough MY hair is now falling out more than hers is. I'm sure someone who is fluent in psycho-babble can explain that to me.

I love the people that tell you to suck it up. It's your mother not you that is going through this. Oh how I know that. But this is affecting all of us because we love her. She is a part of me just like my right arm is a part of me... How can it not affect me?

Don't get me wrong- I don't walk around weeping and whining all of the time. I don't bring it up in conversation with my friends or acquaintances. I answer when people ask how she is..

Someone asked how I can write here. It is my therapy. It helps me tremendously to get my feelings out. I don't have any close friends that I can just pick up the phone and talk to all hours of the day and night. It also helps to receive comments from people who have been through this or who just care.

I also believe with all of my heart that it helps when people say a prayer for a woman they've never met.

If that happens only once then I believe that my writing is the right thing to do.....

still learning...

2005-02-14T21:46:00.000-07:00

As I said, I've learned a lot about my parents these past few months. I've also learned a lot about cancer.

One thing I've learned is that there are still people out there who are very uncomfortable with the word cancer. There was a time that you didn't say it out loud. You said, "The C Word", instead. I really thought in this day and age where cancer isn't immediately a death sentence, and we openly remind women to do self breast exams that people would not react to the word the way they do. But those people are out there, and they're the ones you'd least expect, and they look at you as if you've just subjected them to a string of obscenities...

I've also learned about ovarian cancer and genetics. Ovarian cancer is rare in the general population. When two women from the same family have OVCA, the red flags are raised. There are two gene mutations that have been identified that can cause both ovarian and breast cancer. If you've inherited one of these genes your risk of developing one or both of these cancers skyrockets.

As I am typing this, a sample of my mother's blood is flying across the country to a lab that will extract her DNA from it and look for this gene mutation. It is too late to help her, but if they find this mutation, it may help many other women in our family. Including J's daughters.......

better days...

2005-02-08T13:37:00.000-07:00

The last few days have been wonderful. Mom seems almost back to her old self. She's still weak but they have the pain under control, and she is eating and sleeping again. Her outlook is cheerful and positive.

We went wig shopping and found two beautiful ones that look very much like her style now. Amazingly, her hair stopped falling out and doesn't look any thinner. She says she's going to get it cut short. Then when it all starts to really go, she's going to take control of it herself and have it shaved.

Dad told me if she asked him to, he would shave his too, but he's not going to volunteer. He said he's afraid what he has left will never grow back. All these years we've tip-toed around the hair subject so as not to hurt his feelings and we find he has a sense of humor about it. I've learned a lot about my parents these past few months.

a cruel coincidence.....

2005-02-03T16:14:00.000-07:00

A couple of days ago, mom developed temp of about 102. We would have been really worried, but she had just had blood drawn the day before, and her white count was good. They told her to take tylenol for the fever and wait and see...
The next day she started feeling better. The fever was gone and so was the vomiting.
We then found out that two people she had been exposed to had a stomach virus that is going around.

The consensus now is that, in a cruel coincidence, mom contracted this stomach virus right after her first chemo treatment. I know how bad I feel when I'm sick with something like that. I can't even imagine how bad she felt.

Her outlook is much more positive now. She's starting to get some strength back, and is finally sleeping through the night.

She's ready for the next round.........

what do you say.......

2005-01-31T23:48:00.000-07:00

Mom has been having a terrible time with the chemo treatments. They're supposed to have all of this wonderful medication these days that keep you from being sick all the time. So far nothing has worked for mom.

Yesterday and last night were very bad and she ended up at the clinic for IV medications and fluids.

When she got home she was feeling much better but told me that if this is how she is going to feel, they will have to convince her there is hope. Otherwise, she is done with the treatments.

My initial reactions was to tell her she can't give up. It's not allowed. But she is suffering so much.

She is weak, and in pain. She is confined to home when she used to be so active. And now chemo is adding this terrible sickness.

I can't stand to see her suffer.

But I'm not ready to let her go.

a jolt of reality.....

2005-01-29T21:30:00.000-07:00

It started happening today. Mom's hair is beginning to fall out.

Dad said she was in the shower and called for him. When he went to her she was standing there with clumps of hair in her hands. I think it really shook him up.

I know we were expecting this. I know this is what happens, but when it actually does, it is a jolt of reality.

It turns out that dad does have a sense of humor about his hair loss after all. They're going next week to order a wig for mom. He suggested they get it in his color so when her hair comes back, they can cut the wig for him to use.

Mom laughed. Go dad.

keep em laughing......

2005-01-26T16:20:00.000-07:00

I finally told my youngest child that his grandma has cancer. He knew that she was very sick but I hadn't told him the whole story yet. I had always intended to, but never thought the time was right.

I was proud of him. He handled it very well. He said we'd pray for her and do whatever we could to make her feel better.

The kid does have a sense of humor though.
When we told him that mom would probably lose her hair, he made a sad face and said, "aww, I'm going to have a bald grandma." Then he said, "Oh well, then she'll match my bald grandpa!"

Mom laughed.

Seeing as Dad is a little sensitive about his hair loss- we didn't tell him that one....

suggestions please.......

2005-01-20T21:40:00.000-07:00

Thank you to everyone who has left comments here for me. Your kind words are always more encouraging than you will ever know.

Today, mom's doctor told her to read Gilda Radner's book. I have not read her book but my immediate thought was, "NO!"

Gilda was misdiagnosed- like mom.
Gilda had ovarian cancer-like mom.
Gilda died.

I truly believe that my mom's best hope right now is hope. I think she really needs a positive outlook to help her get through this. I don't think reading about someone who has died from this disease will provide that.

If anyone knows of any inspirational books about cancer survivors, (even better if it's about ovarian cancer), would you please let me know what they are? Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

an apple a day....

2005-01-18T20:26:00.000-07:00

I have developed an aversion to apples. Not eating them but seeing them.

I guess I should explain.

When mom’s doctor told me about the mass growing inside her she struggled to find something to compare it to. She said, “it’s the size of…… it’s like…. It’s like an apple!”

Apples are pretty. They’re sweet. My kitchen is even decorated with apples. I have apple plates, apple rugs, apple plaques…

But every time I see an apple now I think of that doctor, the comparison she made, and this awful thing that has changed our lives, and threatened to take my mother.

As I sat in the waiting room that day, sobbing, waiting for my family to arrive, I was in a chair next to a Christmas tree. The tree was covered with red, shiny, apple ornaments. I remember thinking then how ironic that was.

Now it seems that everywhere I go there is some reminder. Have you ever noticed how many places you see apples? Not just the produce section at the store. EVERYWHERE. They’re everywhere.

Maybe it’s all starting to get to me. How can feeling anger toward an apple be normal?

I’m definitely re-decorating my kitchen. It’s time…

the waiting game.......

2005-01-13T17:57:00.000-07:00

The waiting is the worst part. Mom finally had her consult with the oncologist and is scheduled to start chemo in two weeks. She has good days and bad. She's not in a lot of pain now, but her outlook goes from one extreme to the other. Today she seemed so depressed and didn't even want to talk on the phone with me.

I'm so afraid she is going to change her mind and not do the chemo. She told me before her surgery that if they can't cure her she just wants to be left alone. To my knowledge, she's not been told what stage the cancer is in. None of us were. Just knowing what organs were involved, I've been able to make an educated guess. I'm going to try to not seek any more information about ovarian cancer at this point. Sometimes too much knowledge is not a good thing.

In the mean time we are trying to get life back to as normal as possible. Or I should say the world is trying to make us get back to normal. All of the older kids have gone back to college now. They are scattered across the country and didn't want to leave. Mom told them all that they have to go back and she will be there for their graduations.....

So for now we will wait, and pray.................

A white Christmas.........

2005-01-07T21:50:00.000-07:00

Tonight we finally celebrated Christmas....

We had the food, the music, the tree (dad didn't have to spray-paint it after all!), the presents, the laughter, and each other.

And the snow started coming down.........

What a beautiful evening...............

this is all going to be okay..........

2005-01-06T19:48:00.000-07:00

I've been either at mom's or on the phone with her every day and the change in her is amazing. She actually sounds like herself again. Her voice that was scratchy and shaky after the surgery is back to normal and she's no longer gasping for breath.
And she laughs.........

She'll be starting chemo soon but we don't talk about it much.
Before her surgery, a representative from the hospital asked her permission to save the tissue they removed for research purposes. Mom agreed.
She told me that if they can learn something from her, and help other women, then this is all going to be okay.

Maybe they will learn something that will affect her grandchildren someday.........

Home!

2005-01-03T17:51:00.000-07:00

After about 48 hours in the good hospital, mom got to come home today!

She's still on antibiotics for the pneumonia but she is no longer gasping for air. She can get around on her own (slowly), although Dad still insists on doing everything he can for her.

Her legs and feet are still extremely swollen. Dr. L said it's the cancer that is causing it and that instead of waiting until the end of this month she wants chemo started right away. We're working on getting that set up now.

Mom is so worried about the chemo. She remembers when her cousin had ovarian cancer and how sick the chemo made her. She said she doesn't care if she loses all of her hair. She is just worried about throwing up constantly. Hopefully she'll be lucky and it won't affect her that way.

We're trying to decide now about the Christmas that never was....
She kept telling me today to take our presents home with me, and we'll just plan for next year's Christmas. While I think looking forward to next Christmas is a good thing for her to do, I don't want to give up on this one. The older kids will be going back to college in two weeks. I'm going to talk to Sis tonight and see if we can make plans.

For now all is good..........

I can breath again..............

2005-01-02T07:23:00.001-07:00

I arrived at the hospital where they transferred mom about twenty minutes after she did. In that amount of time she was already settled in a room, (private room), and speaking with a very nice nurse.

She said the ride over was not too bad. The EMT's that rode in the ambulance with her talked to her all the way there, and it sounds like they had a good ol' time.

Mom looked at me and said, "I feel safe now. Thank you."

A resident came in and took mom's history and looked over the few test results the other hospital had sent with her. She came back in and told us she has pneumonia. Simple diagnosis. It explains the shortness of breath and extreme weakness. She also said that the first blood draw they did at the other hospital showed an extremely high white count. (Even though we were told repeatedly that there was no infection.....) My dad was livid when he heard this. He said if he had known that he would have had her transferred day one, even if it meant taking her himself.

The resident got orders from Dr. L for IV antibiotics etc. They got rid of the IV line that was causing her so much pain and started a new one. They promised to give her pain medicine. AND THEY DID. Amazing concept.... I feel like we're in a whole new world here.

They gave Sis and I a meal ticket to take to the hospital cafeteria to get mom a tray because their patient food service had already closed for the evening. On the way down Sis said, "I feel like we just left the worst ghetto and are now in the Ritz Carlton......"

Sis and I had planned to spend the night here. We were going to camp out in one of the waiting rooms if we had to. But we felt so reassured that mom was being well cared for now, that we decided to go home for the night. (Dad of course won't leave her side for any reason and stayed with her)

I feel like I can breath again for the first time in days.

she just likes to torture her patients............

2005-01-01T13:09:00.000-07:00

I called Dad on his cell as soon as I got up this morning. He went back to the hospital around 5a.m. to make sure he was there when mom's doctor came in. The doctor hadn't been in yet. He was in a waiting room area because mom and her roommate were getting "baths" and he wasn't allowed in the room. Understandable. He said it had been quite awhile.

Mom had her cell phone at her bedside, so I called to see how it was going. They had taken her oxygen off, had her sit up on the side of her bed, gave her a basin of water, and left her. She could barely talk because she was so short of breath, and was in a lot of pain from sitting so long with no support for her back.

I called dad back and told him to find her nurse because there was no longer anyone in the room with her. He had assumed all this time that the nurse was still there helping her, when in fact there was no one helping her at all.

He told me he was ready to carry her out and drive her to another hospital. I told him to hang on and I would make some calls.

I started by trying to call the doctor that should've been in to see mom already this morning. (The doctor who has said for the last two days that she could not reach Dr. L who dismissed mom from the hospital where she had her surgery.) The instructions on her office answering machine said to have her paged through the hospital operator. I did this and they said they would page her and give her my number. I then called the hospital that mom had her surgery at. I knew that being a holiday and a Saturday, I probably wouldn't reach the doctor who did her surgery, but I needed to talk to someone on the service.

After explaining the problem, and being transferred several times, I reached a nurse that told me she would contact mom's doctor. She took my number and promised to call me back.

Just a few minutes later, the nurse called back and said Dr.L wanted the name of the local doctor and how to reach her. I gave her the information, and again she promised to call me back.

A little background on the local doctor- She and her husband are both doctors who work out of the same office, and sometimes see each other's patients.

About twenty minutes went by and the nurse called me back and said Dr. L had been connected to a nurse on the floor where MR. Local doctor was. When he was told who was on the phone and why, he stated that he wouldn't talk to her. He said she would have to talk to MRS. Local doctor directly. The nurse on the phone told me they put in another page to MRS. Doctor and would call me back. I gave her my cell phone number so I could leave for the hospital.

My blood pressure was now back to stroke level. I called dad and told him what was happening and he said MR. And MRS. Were now conferring in the hall down from mom's room. He said MR. Doc had finally gone into mom's room and told her he was going to try to contact Dr. L.
Funny- she was just on the phone wanting to talk to him and he refused......

As I pulled into the parking lot my phone rang and it was the nurse again. She told me that Dr. L had finally spoken to someone to arrange mom's transfer. They were arranging for an ambulance to transfer her within the next few hours. I have to say that it was very nice to speak with a nurse who kept every promise she made. She went out of her way to keep me up to date with what was happening.

When I got to mom's room she was lying down finally, but they still hadn't put her oxygen back on. She said the nurse had also made her sit on the side of the bed to eat her breakfast. I understand the concept of sitting up and why it is important. However, there are very large chairs in the rooms for the patients. Why this nurse insisted that mom sit up with no support for so long only makes me think she just likes to torture her patients... She also ran more medication into the IV line that hurt mom so bad yesterday. Mom said it didn't hurt as bad as the contrast did- but it hurt and the nurse told her there was no reason for it to hurt, and continued to run the medication. Also- the o2 line is plenty long to reach to the side of the bed so why they left it off is anyone's guess.

AND- No pain medication. At all. Today.

Thank God we are finally getting her out of here.

Nurse From Hell

2004-12-31T21:37:00.000-07:00

Today was a nightmare. Mom is still in the hospital in a town near here. This hospital does not and never has had a very good reputation. We have experienced first hand why.

First- I need to backtrack a little. This is the same hospital that mom spent those first few days in December in while waiting on her transfer. She was on a different unit then. The nurses were such wonderful people. Dad has decided that they've taken all of the nurses in the hospital that hate their job and everything else about their life and put them on the unit where she is now.

Last night I had to beg the LPN taking care of mom to call the doctor and get a pain medication order for her. The ER doctor had neglected to write one. (hello- she has cancer and just had major abdominal surgery. I think pain meds are not too much to ask) After asking several times, the nurse-from-hell decided she would call mom's doc. She told me she got an order and as soon as the pharmacy brought it up she would give them to mom. After an hour went by, I chased down NFH and she said, "Oh, I'm just so busy and so far behind in my schedule..." Finally, more than an hour after she got the order NFH took the meds to mom. By the way- she didn't actually have to wait for the pharmacy to bring them- the meds were in the drug cabinet outside of mom's room the whole time...

Adding to all of the fun- mom's roommate was a 94 year old who was just fine when her family and friends were there. As soon as her company left she constantly yelled, "NURSE!!" and turned her call light on. When someone would finally come to see what she wanted she'd tell them, "Oh, I didn't need anything...."

Today- you guessed it- NFH was back and again assigned to mom's room. She started off on the right track- Asked mom how her pain was and when the last time she had her medication was. (wouldn't she know the time by looking on the chart??) She promised her meds would be there right on time today.

I left to run some errands- Dad was there with her. They took her for a CT scan of her abdomen. They took her in a wheelchair and when they got in the CT room, they told mom to get up and climb up on the table. Correct me if I'm wrong- but is someone who cannot get out of a bed by herself really expected to be able to climb up on a table?? Then the tech doing the scan asked her if she's ever had abdominal surgery.... Umm, correct me again if I'm wrong, but shouldn't he already have this information?? When they started to run the contrast in her IV mom said she literally screamed it hurt so bad. (this is the woman who will usually grit her teeth and not say a word when she is in pain.) Their response to that was, "It can't hurt that bad. In fact it shouldn't hurt at all. Just hold your arm up in the air." Mom came back with tears running down her face and said she will never ever again consent to have a CT scan done.

On my way back to the hospital, I called Dad to see how things were going and he said they were once again trying to get NFH to give mom her pain meds. She was now almost two hours past time. I was so angry I honestly thought I was going to have a stroke driving back to the hospital.

When I got there the NFH was sitting on her ass at a computer and mom had still not had her meds. Mom didn't want anyone to complain because she was afraid she'd never get her meds if we did.

Sorry- that's BS. I went straight to the RN in charge and sweetly said," My mother has been asking for her pain meds for over two hours now. Her nurse seems to be a little busy- could you please get them for her?" Someone must've tipped off NFH, and by the time we got back to mom's room she was there getting her meds out. There was never an apology, sorry that happened, it won't happen again, nothing. At least she got her meds. At least I didn't have to scream like Shirley MacLaine in Terms of Endearment. I sure wanted to though..........

.......we've taken a wrong turn

2004-12-30T23:25:00.000-07:00

Mom was supposed to go to her family physician today to get her staples out. Dad got up and found her sitting on the couch trying to catch her breath. He didn't hear her get up and she didn't remember how long she had been there. He called me after he called 911 and I met them at the local emergency room.

She was pale as a ghost and her feet and legs were extremely swollen. They decided this was all because her blood count is so low. They started her on blood transfusions and ordered a CT scan of her abdomen tomorrow to find out where she is losing the blood.

Poor mom looked like a frail child in that damn hospital bed. She became withdrawn and stopped talking much. I couldn't decide if she was depressed or really pissed off. I think it's both. I don't blame her.

I didn't want to leave the hospital but again she wasn't resting if we were in the room with her. After spending 14 hours there, I came home. At least this hospital is close enough that if there's another blizzard, I can call the guy down the street to take me on his snowmobile. Thankfully the forecast isn't calling for any bad weather. I will be able to make it back in the morning.

I feel like we've taken a journey to some foreign land. We sure don't speak the language wherever we are......... And we keep taking wrong turns along the way. This isn't where we're supposed to be right now.

They say it whispers.........

2004-12-28T13:47:00.000-07:00

I've been reading up a lot on ovarian cancer. They say it whispers..... The symptoms are often so vague, that when the correct diagnosis is made, it is too late. I lost track of how many doctors mom went to. They would always send her on to another. No one could quite figure out what body system was causing her so much pain.

I went for my checkup today. I received a lecture because it had been two years since my last appointment. Thankfully my ovaries seem fine, thank you. Just some other odd things that need taken care of. I also got the name of a doctor who does genetic testing. Sis and I are going to contact her.

Mom seems to be getting stronger every day. It's really bothering her that she can't get around like she's used to. Remember- this is a woman who went to a gym and worked out three times a week just a few months ago... I have to keep reminding her what she's been through, and that it will take time.

Right now we're planning our Christmas party that we didn't get to have. It will be on New Year's Day. We'll finally get all of those wrapped presents out from under our tree! It will be wonderful to have everyone together......

Merry Christmas.........

2004-12-25T14:20:00.000-07:00

Today I received the best present of all.

My mom came home from the hospital................

the best medicine.............

2004-12-24T20:40:00.000-07:00

I made it to see mom today. What a difference a couple of days makes! She looks so much better. And now I feel better.

She'd been eating clear liquid stuff and keeping it down, so they let her order a regular meal. Of all things- she chose spaghetti! For some odd reason it sounded good to her.

This is the first food she's had in three weeks!! She said it felt really strange to have food in her mouth.

Sis showed up with niece and nephew. Nephew walked in with a stuffed monkey for mom. It was really soft and cuddly. Mom was snuggling with it and had it cradled in her arms like a baby when her nurse walked in. Without missin' a beat mom looked up at her and said, "look what I had while you were gone!" The nurse looked and then said, "you know I don't usually say things like this, but that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!"

They say laughter is the best medicine...................

How long does a real tree last?.........

2004-12-23T21:26:00.000-07:00

They told us after mom's surgery that they hoped to send her home on Friday. Today is Thursday and she hasn't even been up walking yet. She hasn't eaten yet. I've lost track of how long it's been since she's had anything but liquids... I don't see any way at all they could possibly send her home tomorrow.

Which brings us to the next dilemma. Actually in the scope of things this is just a little glitch. Our family has always celebrated Christmas together on Christmas Eve. Dad called today and said they wanted us to get together and have our Christmas without them.
Ummm.... I don't think so!
It just wouldn't be Christmas without mom and dad. I conferred with my sis and she agreed. I then informed mom and dad that they had been out-voted and Christmas is on hold until mom is home.

Of course Santa will still come to my house.... Sadly this will be the first year that I will not have a child here who believes in Santa. But by golly he will come here anyway because I still believe!!

I was also wondering- how long does a real Christmas tree last? This is the first time that my parents have ever had a real tree. My dad and S went and cut one down. It's beautiful. I've been checking the water in the stand etc... I hope it stays nice until mom gets home because she only got to enjoy it for a few days before she went to the hospital.....

Mend fences.....Build bridges............

2004-12-22T23:30:00.000-07:00

All of the exercising and taking care of herself paid off for my mom in a BIG way.
She made it through a very difficult surgery.
Now she will have to fight through chemo.........
The tumor was cancer and had spread throughout her abdomen. They didn't even bother to check lymph nodes.

Her oncologist was so upbeat about it all though- She said they got 95% of the tumor. She said they won't start chemo until after the holidays. She said the cancer may be like a chronic illness that will go away for awhile and then come back. ????????????

What a bizzare way to talk about cancer. Where is it going to come back to? I know it won't be her ovaries because they are gone!

There are so many questions I want to ask now that I didn't think of when the doctor talked to us after the surgery. But deep down I really know most of the answers, and I'm not ready to hear those answers spoken aloud.

I left the hospital yesterday evening. I have not been able to go back, thanks to a major winter storm, that has dumped tons of snow on the Interstate between here and there. I want so much to be there with her. I'm comforted by the fact that my Dad has been at her side the entire time.

So I will continue to pray, and we will take one day at a time.
Time is all we really have anyway- all of us......
So if anyone is out there reading this- kiss your loved ones- tell them you love them every day. If there's someone you used to be close to and aren't anymore- call them.
Mend fences, build bridges.... whatever cliche you want.

Life is short-make the most of it.........

pray...............

2004-12-20T14:33:00.000-07:00

I should be getting ready to leave. Sis and I have a hotel room the same place mom and dad are staying tonight.

The surgery is scheduled for early tomorrow morning. Because we are in a different time zone, we would have to leave at 3 am to get there in time. It will just be better to spend the night there.

I haven't packed, I haven't showered, I haven't eaten.... I haven't done Christmas shopping....
I'm trying to not think about that. We may be spending Christmas this year at a hospital........

Dad called awhile ago and gave me directions to the hotel. He said mom seemed to be doing fine.He doesn't sound fine.

I keep thinking that this may not be cancer. Even though the symptoms are there. Even though that damn tumor is there.....

Tomorrow will come, they will do the surgery and say, "Good news! It was a benign tumor! It's gone and everything is fine!" It just would not make sense for my mom to have cancer. She has never smoked, drank, or done drugs.. She has always watched her diet and taken vitamins. Up until a couple of months ago she worked out three times a week. I could never go on walks with her because she could walk so much farther and faster than me. It would not make any sense at all for her to be sick.

I believe in the power of prayer- and I have said so many prayers in the last two weeks. Please God don't take her. I'm not ready to be without her yet.

If you pray, please say one for my mom.......................

i love you...........

2004-12-20T00:59:00.000-07:00

I went to work today. I was afraid it would be my last chance to work during this pay period. I was glad I did. I was (surprisingly) able to do my job, and talk with co-workers. I was afraid I would just cry all day. It really took my mind off of things to be there. No one asked about mom. A few knew that I had cancelled some shifts because she had been in the hospital. They've either forgotten or assume everything is fine.

When I was walking out at the end of my shift, Sis called me on my cell phone. She said the usual, "what are you doing, how was work," and then there was silence. It was almost like she had dropped the phone then I thought I heard her laugh. Then I realized she was crying so hard she couldn't speak.

I sat in my freezing cold car, tears streaming down my face, and just listened to her cry.

After awhile I said, "I almost made it through a whole day without crying! Thanks a lot!" She knew it was my weird sense of humor but she didn't laugh. She said she had been at mom and dad's. Mom is in pretty good spirits and dad told her he was scared to death.

In our family we've never expressed our emotions much- or at all. If you were sad or scared or upset about something, you just sucked it up and moved on. Over the last several years, things have changed a lot. I don't know what brought on the change or when it really happened but it did. We don't ever see each other without hugging and kissing and saying I love you. EVER. Some people may think that is weird. I'm here to tell you that I am so glad that every time I see my family or even talk to them on the phone, we always say, "I love you."

But to hear that dad actually used the exact words that he is scared to death...... That's a whole new thing. Dad says he loves us but never admits to being afraid.... Of anything......

Mom is handling this all better than any of us. She has always had very strong faith in God. She knows where she is going when she leaves this world. She knows God has a plan that she does not control. She has always said she wanted to live long enough to raise her children. (Her mother died when she was just 4 years old) She is now helping raise her great-grandson.......

She said as long as she knows we're all taken care of, then she is fine with whatever happens...............

Thanks for the info.............

2004-12-17T02:38:00.000-07:00

Today is Thursday and we still haven't heard from the doctor.
Dad finally called and reminded them that it has been more than a week since she's eaten anything. They said they had the surgery scheduled for Tuesday and that they would call with the details tomorrow.

Oh- and they said you'd be surprised how long someone can go without eating! Ya- thanks for that info..........

hurry and wait................

2004-12-15T00:59:00.000-07:00

Today was mom's appointment with the specialist. It's about a two and a half hour drive from where we live. Sis rode with mom and dad and I drove my car. We fully expected her to be admitted.
After being questioned by a med student, examined by a resident, and re-examined by the specialist, they said, "Yep- we concurr with those other guys." Well, those weren't their exact words but it was something like that.
They then informed us that they would have to work her into the surgery schedule and call us and let us know when to come back. They said we could expect a call by Wednesday.The words, "The sooner the better," keep playing over and over in my mind.....

home.......

2004-12-12T13:23:00.000-07:00

Sunday, December 12, 2004

Today, mom's doctors told her that they could give her a patch that would infuse pain medicine into her system continuously and let her go home.
They're convinced that she isn't going to eat anything solid and cause a complete obstruction. They think she will be more comfortable at home. As long as the pain patch does its job, I think they are right.

While they were getting the paperwork done, I went to get a Diet Coke. I needed one.... Before leaving the room, I told mom, "See that nurse call button? The nurses REALLY like it when you push that a whole bunch! Just push it as many times as you can!" (note: nurses hate that) Her nurse was sitting outside her room and hollered for me to go play in traffic somewhere. Mom laughed. (Thank you God)

When the paperwork was finished her nurse came in and looked at me and said, "you don't have that IV out yet?? What's wrong with you?" She handed me the stuff to take it out and I told her that we wanted a BIG discount for this. Mom laughed. (tyG)

i.d. please.............

2004-12-12T00:37:00.000-07:00

Today was a very long day. I spent a lot of time at the hospital keeping mom company. I discovered that she wouldn't rest if someone was there, so I left for a few hours at a time so she would sleep.

Sometime during the evening, they transferred her to a private room. We were so thankful for that because she had the roommate from hell. This lady had a roomful of visitors which included a screaming three year old. The nurse finally came in and told them they would have to leave, "because the lady in the next bed was very sick and it wasn't good for her to have all of this commotion." (It was kind of a shock to hear mom described like that) Of course when the nurse left, the visitors from hell made all kinds of loud comments like, "No one better make noise on that side of the room because we'll complain," and more ignorant things along that line. Thing is we hadn't complained to anyone. It's just unbelievable to me that someone would not have the common sense to remove a poor screaming child from a hospital room.

Mom's new nurse came in and said, "How old are you??" My mom confirmed that the chart was correct, and yes, she is 70. The nurse said she really wanted to see a birth certificate, and called for another nurse to look at mom and guess how old she is. Soon there were several nurses peeking in. They weren't just being nice. Mom looks so young. I hope I inherit that from her.
While the nurses were going on about how young mom looked I pointed at my sister and said, "Hey look at her! She's 55!!" (My sister is only 38.)
My mom laughed. She laughed- Thank you God.

breaking the news.......

2004-12-10T14:00:00.000-07:00

By the time my dad arrived with S, my husband was there. Sometime before my sister got there I had called them and simply said, "I need you." The angel gave S some crayons and a coloring book and hub sat down on the floor with him to color.

I think telling my dad what was happening was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. He sat down across from me, and in my 'be strong mode' I told him step by step what had happened. He turned very pale, and for a moment I wasn't sure if he was going to cry or faint. He stood up, took some quarters from his pockets and went to the soda machine.

He said this was the last the thing he ever expected to hear today. Then he handed me a Diet Coke because, "I looked like I needed it........."

the sooner, the better..........

2004-12-10T12:32:00.000-07:00

The surgeon finally came out after the scope. He said the mass was pressing on her colon, and even though he tried smaller sizes he could not complete the test because she was almost completely obstructed. This explained all of the terrible cramping she had been having.He said he really didn't think the colon was involved. It is just being compressed by the mass. He said he saw on the chart that she was being transferred out and was in agreement with that. His exact words were, "the sooner the better."
He said she was in pain because of some air that had been trapped in her colon during the test, and they were going to keep her in recovery awhile longer.

My sister arrived almost immediately after the Dr left. I had been trying to keep my composure. I wanted to be in 'strong mode' when I told her what was happening. I motioned for her to sit and she looked like a frightened little girl. She could sense something was very wrong.I started to tell her about the mass they found and she stood up, started to cry, and tried to leave the room. The lady behind the desk tried to talk to her. Then it seemed like sis was just walking in circles in the waiting room. I know that sounds crazy but its how I remember it. All of this took just a few seconds, but in my mind it was all slow motion.

A priest walked into the room then. My angel behind the desk had called him, because she thought maybe he could help me. I'm not catholic, but any port in a storm.....He suggested that we go into a private room and talk. So here I sit in a hospital room with a priest, trying to explain to my sister what had taken place that morning.Every so often the priest said a few words. He had a very heavy accent, and was hard to understand. (The only thing I can think of is Jamaican.) We would look at him and nod...Finally my sister said, "Could you leave us alone? We have each other now." I was shocked! My quiet little sister asked the priest to leave. The whole damn thing would be comical if it weren't true.

An Apple.............

2004-12-09T12:00:00.000-07:00

The colonoscopy was scheduled for 8:30 am today. I offered to take S so Dad could go to the hospital. He said for me to go ahead and he and S would just come to the hospital after she was back in her room.

I know this was just a routine procedure, but I wanted to be there for mom. I also wanted to hear what the Dr. had to say afterward.

When I got to her room around 8:15 the gynecologist was outside her room on the phone and mom was lying in her bed trying to look brave. She said they found a mass while doing the internal ultrasound and the gyn wanted to transfer her to a hospital in another state where they have a specialist.

My 'be strong mode' kicked in. I put the top rail of mom's bed down and pulled a chair close so I could hug her. I told her everything would be alright.

When the Dr. didn't come back in for a few minites, I went into the hall to talk to her. I told her I was J's daughter. I was waiting for HIPPA bullshit. Patient Privacy. Blah Blah Blah.

There was no bullshit. She told me they found a mass the size of an apple on one of her ovaries. Because she has been having symptoms for awhile and there is a large amount of fluid in her abdomen, she suspects it is cancer, and wants her to see a gynecology oncologist. She would try to arrange the transfer today.

I asked about the colonoscopy and she said they were still going to do it because they wanted to be sure the colon wasn't involved.

By now it was after 8:30. Where was my sister? She was going to be there this morning.

They finally took her down for the scope around 8:45. I walked with her. I should say I ran. The nurses who wheeled her down the hall and into the elevators and around all of those corners are FAST! I guess after traveling the same path, day after day, you can navigate the maze quickly. When I caught up to them at the elevator, I asked mom if she heard me running behind her. She laughed with the nurses. She laughed. Thank you God.

They stopped outside the waiting room and I gave her a kiss and said everything will be alright.

I went into the waiting room, put down my coat and purse, started to sit down and burst into sobs. I tried to pick up my things and leave the room. I needed to get OUTSIDE. I needed air. I needed away from this place, away from these people. The lady who sits behind the desk in the waiting room called after me.

She stopped me, put her arms around me, and said, "Let me help you".
She held me while I cried for what seemed like forever and I told her what had happened. There is a special place in Heaven for this woman. She had never seen me before in her life, but I would have been lost without her there.

I sat down in one of the chairs next to a Christmas tree. It was decorated with shiny red apples. I kept hearing, "a mass the size of an apple........."

go lightly............

2004-12-09T01:59:00.000-07:00

Mom is finally resting at the hospital. They gave her some pretty strong IV pain meds and she is pain free for the first time in months. They did an ultrasound today and have scheduled a colonoscopy for tomorrow morning. The surgeon who will be doing the colonoscopy came to see her and did a physical exam. He immediately said he didn't think it was a colon problem and said he would still do the scope to be sure, but was calling a gynecologist to see her. The gynecologist did an exam and ordered an internal ultrasound. When I left the hospital tonight she was drinking Go Lytely. The person who named that stuff should be shot because of their sick sense of humor. You sure GO after drinking it but there's nothing 'light' about it! The good news is she is feeling much better. The horrible pains have disappeared with the help of some good drugs, and she is confident they will finally fix whatever this problem is...

The call........

2004-12-08T14:30:00.000-07:00

The phone rang at 3 am. I thought I was dreaming and didn't fully awaken until I heard the answering machine pick up. The caller hung up and immediately dialed back.I saw on the caller ID that it was my parent's house. My dad was calling to say he was taking mom to the hospital because she was in such pain. Their five year old great-grandson lives with them and he asked me to come sit with him.I had just had a conversation with mom around 8 pm yesterday. She was so frustrated with the abdominal pain she had been having. She has been to so many doctors in the last several months. They either tell her everything is fine or send her to someone else. She told me she had made an appointment with her family doctor for Friday and was going to tell her to please just schedule every test she could think of and find out what is causing the pain.I went to their house and fell asleep with the phone by my side.I awoke to dad coming through the door alone. They were admitting mom and scheduling some tests. I was shocked. We were sure they would finally give her something for the pain, tell her what the problem was and how to fix it and send her home